I feel like I’m holding onto a brittle piece of rope on the edge of a cliff.
I want to hold tight so I can climb up over the edge, but if I hold too tightly it will crumble in my hands and I’ll fall.
I knew today I was taking a risk going to hear live music in a small space, especially when I awoke this morning with a headache. Within minutes of stepping foot into the record store I knew it was a mistake. The vibrations rocketed through my body, jostling my head and ears as I very quickly looked through the bins. It wasn’t long before I had to make a dash back to the street to hear the music from a distance, to catch some air before the gig my friends and I were hoping to catch started. I think the damage was already done through, my ear was aching, but I was trying to push it aside. Once we stepped back inside (this time with earplugs) it was like I was back on that plane in December, fighting so hard the urge to vomit, and just like the plane, there were no exits. At least no clear ones once the music started up again.
Sometimes I think you can will your body into thinking its okay. It’s only a momentary thing though, yet sometimes that’s all you need. I was able to keep anything from flying through the air until my friend walked me back to my car. Once she rounded the corner to go back to the festivities I was able to throw up in peace, and say a prayer the dizziness didn’t surface.
I can’t tell you how hard it is not to be able to enjoy something you really love. It’s like someone is slowly ripping off a band-aid from my arm – I almost wish it’d go quicker so it wouldn’t hurt so much. Of course, I don’t mean that, but its times like this – curled up into a ball, constant tinnitus – that I wish for the fast rip.
Maybe I should take up knitting or something.
Or maybe I should fuel my concert budget into another writing class. If you’d ever seen me knit you’d know that was probably a safer bet. In the meantime, it’s raining cherry blossoms and I bought some George Carlin on vinyl.
And we know how laughter helps. Even if its at a low volume.