i can honestly say that since i last wrote to you on monday my world has been shaken. just a bit.
i’m writing this now from ontario.
i had to fly back a week ahead of schedule. it was always my intention to have a brief stop-over here before i went to england, but just wish it was under better circumstances.
it’s strange. or funny. i can’t decide. but almost immediately after i penned a post about the word inevitability, it was that very same word i would hear over and over again this week.
i was at work on monday afternoon, happily sitting at my desk when the train rolled through. i can feel the vibrations in my office, and normally it doesn’t cause me any grief. well, monday wasn’t normal. what i’ve been able to deduce was that the vibrations somehow set of a ‘drop attack’ of my acute vertigo. thankfully, i was sitting, but this was a really bad attack. i felt like i was hit over the head with a frying pan, like in one of those old cartoons and the room literally felt as though i was trapped in a jump cut. almost immediately i had to throw up, and then my hearing went and then i just remember being awoken by my boss, and my ear was bleeding, along with other normal vertigo symptoms.
hospitals, and doctors followed.
all coming to the same conclusions.
no one knows what causes it…could be genetic…a virus…there is no cure…it comes and goes unpredictably…you have all four symptoms of Ménière’s disease…along with vertigo-migraines…it’s progressive…long term prognosis is that you will have total, permanent hearing loss…severe vertigo can be incapacitating due to nausea and vomiting…can only treat the symptoms…
i was told that on monday, and then again on tuesday. i still have to go for more hearing tests when i get back in the new year. the first time they told me, i was so woozy from the attack i didn’t even process anything. on tuesday, it was more real. i think because i still couldn’t hear out of my one ear (still hasn’t returned to normal yet). i asked based on the rapid deterioration of my left ear in the past three years (for those not around 3 years ago, i fell and hit my head and that was the catalyst to all this now), how long do they give it. of course they couldn’t answer that. could be tomorrow, could be 5, 10, 20 years from now. it’s just inevitable.
there’s that word again.
i keep going over things in my head, thinking how i could have changed that outcome, even though i know that’s not possible. i got used to the tinnitus in my ear, and thought ear pain every day was normal. apparently being irritated enough that you can’t sleep because you can hear a buzzing is not normal. who knew.
the biggest concern now is having the dizziness go away. and the nausea. i haven’t been able to keep anything down since tuesday. i had to fly home because i couldn’t take care of myself in this state, and the flight to ontario was…how shall i put this. exorcist vomit-like? i keep saying, ‘i think i threw up most of the dizzy.’ i’m hoping things will turn into straight migraine instead of a vertigo one. fingers crossed.
anyway…that’s my update.
i hope your weeks are going a bit better. if you have any interesting/funny stories to share, please do. i’m rather stationary at the moment, and the resting is making me restless. taking it day by day to see if i will be able to travel on wednesday overseas. walking is incredibly difficult still and i’m not too keen on flying at the moment. you know those little barf bags really should have a plastic lining. they would be much more efficient.
although there were a few tears at the start, my family is awesome. they hope that this will have a good effect on my mumbling. for now, i still have one good ear and two eyes, and the good news? hearing won’t go in both ears at once.
and i was always one for the lyrics before the music anyway.
til later. xo