it may come without warning, at the speed of the light. make it shine so pretty, make it shine so bright

hello friends.

i can honestly say that since i last wrote to you on monday my world has been shaken. just a bit.

i’m writing this now from ontario.

i had to fly back a week ahead of schedule. it was always my intention to have a brief stop-over here before i went to england, but just wish it was under better circumstances.

it’s strange. or funny. i can’t decide. but almost immediately after i penned a post about the word inevitability, it was that very same word i would hear over and over again this week.

i was at work on monday afternoon, happily sitting at my desk when the train rolled through. i can feel the vibrations in my office, and normally it doesn’t cause me any grief. well, monday wasn’t normal. what i’ve been able to deduce was that the vibrations somehow set of a ‘drop attack’ of my acute vertigo. thankfully, i was sitting, but this was a really bad attack. i felt like i was hit over the head with a frying pan, like in one of those old cartoons and the room literally felt as though i was trapped in a jump cut.  almost immediately i had to throw up, and then my hearing went and then i just remember being awoken by my boss, and my ear was bleeding, along with other normal vertigo symptoms.

hospitals, and doctors followed.

all coming to the same conclusions.

Ménière’s Disease

no one knows what causes it…could be genetic…a virus…there is no cure…it comes and goes unpredictably…you have all four symptoms of Ménière’s disease…along with vertigo-migraines…it’s progressive…long term prognosis is that you will have total, permanent hearing loss…severe vertigo can be incapacitating due to nausea and vomiting…can only treat the symptoms…

i was told that on monday, and then again on tuesday. i still have to go for more hearing tests when i get back in the new year. the first time they told me, i was so woozy from the attack i didn’t even process anything. on tuesday, it was more real. i think because i still couldn’t hear out of my one ear (still hasn’t returned to normal yet).  i asked based on the rapid deterioration of my left ear in the past three years (for those not around 3 years ago, i fell and hit my head and that was the catalyst to all this now), how long do they give it. of course they couldn’t answer that. could be tomorrow, could be 5, 10, 20 years from now. it’s just inevitable.

there’s that word again.

i keep going over things in my head, thinking how i could have changed that outcome, even though i know that’s not possible. i got used to the tinnitus in my ear, and thought ear pain every day was normal. apparently being irritated enough that you can’t sleep because you can hear a buzzing is not normal. who knew.

the biggest concern now is having the dizziness go away. and the nausea. i haven’t been able to keep anything down since tuesday. i had to fly home because i couldn’t take care of myself in this state, and the flight to ontario was…how shall i put this. exorcist vomit-like? i keep saying, ‘i think i threw up most of the dizzy.’ i’m hoping things will turn into straight migraine instead of a vertigo one. fingers crossed.

anyway…that’s my update.

i hope your weeks are going a bit better. if you have any interesting/funny stories to share, please do.  i’m rather stationary at the moment, and the resting is making me restless. taking it day by day to see if i will be able to travel on wednesday overseas. walking is incredibly difficult still and i’m not too keen on flying at the moment. you know those little barf bags really should have a plastic lining. they would be much more efficient.

although there were a few tears at the start, my family is awesome. they hope that this will have a good effect on my mumbling. for now, i still have one good ear and two eyes, and the good news? hearing won’t go in both ears at once.

and i was always one for the lyrics before the music anyway.

til later. xo

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “it may come without warning, at the speed of the light. make it shine so pretty, make it shine so bright

  1. I can’t say I expected to read this post today.

    I’m not sure what to say. I hope your trip will be worked out– in the meantime, I’m glad you’re surrounded by people who are taking care of you.

  2. Not one I thought I would have to write.

    Just taking things slow. If the dizziness fades, I think I will be okay to travel. But not going to make that call until early next week. Still woozy at the moment. I almost think resting too much is keeping me dizzy, but hard to tell. Nice to have someone refill my water glass though.

  3. bloody awful poetry

    I’m having a hard time digesting this myself, so I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you. Please do take care, and I’m glad your family is being so awesome right now.

  4. I’m so glad that you are not on your own anymore now, but my god yesterday must have been brutal for you. Still offering up sacrifices to the travel goddesses for you, but I have moved on from ill-tempered children to mild-mannered ones.

  5. kelly

    it’s difficult to now what to say. ” sorry about your diagnosis” doesn’t cut it. Although I truely am. It sounds like something that can be excrutiating to live with. And yes I suppose there are some symptoms one gets use to and lives with, but that word inevitable must have made your heart drop. It really makes my little hissy fit about having to watch my diet because of my hereditary high blood pressure and high cholesterol seem silly. It’s funny, although there are peole out there in cyber land that we have never met and may not meet, one kind of gets a connection. If you’re on the computer and looking for a laugh go to the blog “Hyperbole and a Half”, I am not a person that laughs out loud, but that did it for me.

  6. Thanks for your words and thoughts, I really appreciate them. Wish I could say I was feeling better but this dizziness does not want to fade. Still a few more days until I have to decide about the trip – but not looking likely. Hope you all have good weekends, and thanks again for the positive vibes and sacrificing of ill mannered children. :)

  7. This really took the wind out of my sails my friend… I felt so badly for you but then I realized if anyone will rise above this illness it will be you. You are without question one of the most strong willed and independent minded people I know. I suppose one small consolation is at least you know what you are dealing with now and hopefully a successful treatment is in the cards. I am certain it will be. And don’t forget the network of friends you have out here and there to help you in any way possible.

    Take care though my friend. Get plenty of rest and feel better soon. Make the most of the extra TLC too… (Always a good thing.)

  8. iduality

    Thank-you for your words Sean, they were very kind. I’m not sure things have really hit me yet, to be honest. I’ve just been trying to rest and get better for the holidays. I think when I get back to Van and work everything will feel more real. Especially going in for more audiograms, etc. Which is why it’s so wonderful that I have such great friends and family to help me through. :)

    Today is better than yesterday, which is all I can ask for at the moment. Hoping the dizziness goes away fully soon.

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