wild card inside

“You’ve changed…you’re so much more mellow, softer? I know it’s you, but I just can’t believe these things are coming out of your mouth.”

This past week through catch-ups over tea, and long distance phone calls with three good friends that sentence above was something I kept hearing, over and over. These are people who have known me for years and years, and have seen me through many different stages and changes in life, so what was so perplexing to them now?

I’d have to say the most hilarious repeated phrase this week was:

“I guess I’ve been used to seeing you so jaded for so long, it’s weird to see the difference. It’s wonderful…just different.”

My response to all of that of course was laughter and listing the points where I haven’t changed. Yet I couldn’t help but wonder, have I really changed that much? Perhaps my hard outer shell has soften, but I think it’s been for the better. I’m still a jolly cynic, these days just more jolly than cynical.

Perhaps it’s because I have been listening to ‘pop’ radio again on my drives into the city?

Yeah, we’ll say it’s that.

you know when we sat out on the fire escape talking…what did you say about running before we were walking

I’ve been trying to formulate my weekend into thoughts, and further into sentences, but alas my brain is just not working. I am exhausted, but in the best possible way. Filled with good food, great musical listening and shining memories of dear friend visits over too soon.

So instead of rambling, some music…

p.s. Seeing Billy Bragg last night at the Commodore in Vancouver was brilliant. He is the perfect combination of storytelling and tenacity you want in a folk singer. A superb concert all-around, and well worth price of admission.

my dream girl don’t exist, at the age of five she slit her wrists

I bought Living in Clip.

You bought a Pearl Jam album you already had.

On the way home you pointed out that Pee Wee Herman doll I hate, in the window on Princess.

I wonder if its still there. It was when we graduated.

At home the stereo at eleven, in the dark, in daylight.  J tried to drown us out by turning up Primus.

I still hate them.

And he still hates Ani and Tori.

I’m pretty sure you still love Pearl Jam.

look for what seems out of place

Look what greeted me after work!

Early birthday goodness from overseas, and an embarrassment of musical riches from Sean! Its going to take me at least a week to get through all the great music and magazines. Well chuffed, I am. Many thanks again, friend!

And Sean wins the award for best use of sellotape. This is my attempt to try and open the package without scissors. I had to give up.

Mail should just be delivered on Monday. It makes the entire day better.

Best surprise that has greeted you in the post lately?

cheerleader

Two people in my life today received news. One good, the other bad.

I found these details out within minutes of waking. My brain was trying to process everything and I was trying to be the shoulder for one, and elated for the other. Not an easy task.

Ever find yourself saying something you don’t necessarily quite believe (or know) yourself?

“It’ll be okay. Things will pick-up…these things just take time.”

I could feel the cliches coming out of my mouth and wished I could offer more. But alas, all I could offer was an ear. If geography were not an issue, I would have wished for a mango tree and made something sweet, to distract.

kudos

Congratulations to my dear friend Todd who finished his second degree today!

C’mon slacker, get a job already. ;)

naive melody

I keep leaving the people I love.

Or strongly like.

Sometimes they leave me, but usually its the former.

Its the curse of the nomad, and it keeps getting harder. You’d think it would get easier. Although I guess that wouldn’t make it a curse. Right.

Even now, having moved here just two months ago, I’m contemplating my next move. Building my career. No one ever warns you its going to be so painstakingly hard. They don’t put that in the brochures. Not even in the fine print. There are times like tonight when I wish I had picked the easier route. Gone to the city everyone else did and made my life there. Been closer to my family and friends….my dog. Yet I know that’s not me. I know.

Still, it makes for a lonely life sometimes. Everyone I love spread across the globe. Technology makes it easier, mind you.

As I left the airport tonight, having dropped off The Boy (this goodbye easier than the last) I was pondering the recent goodbyes I’ve had and the one that sticks out in my mind the most is when I left Newcastle.

It was a gorgeous August evening. I had gone out for a drink at my favourite pub with a good friend. I was trying to commit everything to memory that night. The sound my boots made on the cobblestones, the smell of the fry truck at Monument, the Batman graffiti under the bridge, even the sound of the sirens. Afterward we stood on the stoop of my flat, trying hard to hold back tears and well, that just wasn’t working. The floodgates opened and I’ll never forget the feeling of my heart breaking. When you hear the words ‘heart break’ your mind kind of automatically goes to thinking about something romantical, but no, there are many breaks without romantics involved, and this was one of them. It was a combination of saying goodbye to a friend, but also to the city I had grown to love so dearly. Yes, I left my heart in the North. After I waved my friend, I went back inside to get my bags. My phone lit up with a text – “I’ll miss you most of all.”

In this day an age, texts, emails, etc are in such abundance we take them granted and sometimes they loose meaning because of this. That one, I will never forget though, as silly as it might sound. It’s like a letter, I’d slip in my top drawer. A reminder, in case I forget…

It’s never goodbye, but I’ll see you soon.

postcards from paradise

I received a postcard today from a good friend who is working at a museum in Vanuatu in the South Pacific. From the picture, it looks very lovely and I too wish I was living in a hut on beach, snorkeling and swimming my free time away. Ah well, who needs Vitamin D anyway, its -8 here today!

The picture on the card reminded me a bit of this painting below.

I remember seeing this in Washington, DC when I was about 11 or so. It was huge (to me then). Looks likes its watercolour, doesn’t?

Mountains and Sea

Its not. Its actually oil. The artist, Helen Frankenthaler, introduced a new technique by painting directly onto the canvas, diluting the oil paint so the colour would soak the canvas, creating different effects around each area. Thus, a new generation of the Colour Field school was born.

I’m off to buy a fresh new notebook today, with hopes to soak it with new thoughts. For a new year.

you are my own invention

things i did this evening:

manage to cover myself in photo emulsion.

discover Hersey kisses with caramel inside – amazing.

construct a light box.

went for a walk.

help write a cover letter for a friend who needed help – badly.

watched 15 minutes of Hell’s Kitchen.

now, i am tired.

and you, how has your day been?

and how you built a tower tumbling through the trees

There is something extremely calming about driving in the dead of night, when the snow is light and fluffy.

Makes you want to stop, get out of the car and look up at the sky and try and count the snowflakes.

Or something.

And when one is dared to jump into the snow and there is no chill in the air, one does.

Or in my case, lifted into the snow, crutches to my side.

I wish we had taken a photo.

Fallen angels, indeed.

Oh and a word of advice to those of you who have heated car seats – warn your occupants before you turn the seat warmers on.

It took me a solid five minutes to figure out my ass was not radiating its own heat.

Yes, been one of those days.