ocean rain

i woke up this morning to sun beaming in through my blinds. i pondered for a second and then said fuck you, sun. and i skipped my first class. best enjoy the ability to sleep in for one more month, eh.

my advice for the day – don’t curse the sun.

my happiness was short-lived as the rest of the day just blew goats. i’m too knackered to even try and explain, but basically i don’t understand why people say yes, when they really mean no. should have stayed in bed for the day. if only.

thank god january is almost over, it and all the shit from this month can disappear into the black hole from which it came. perhaps i should boycott february? or at least the first two weeks…or just avoid all card shops that are spewing pink and red.

i was walking home from the library tonight and the wind was raging, my coat and skirt turning up but my boots protecting my feet from the ripples flying off the puddles. and then i had a weird flashback to grade school.

when i was in grade five i had this obsession with wearing kilts. my mom being scottish and all, of course i had many kilts (most especially this tartan) and basically wore a kilt or skirt to school everyday. always coupled with my doc martens and opaque tights. perhaps i was secretly wishing i had gone to private school or something. i did go through a similar phase in grade ten too, except i wore all black, stockings not tights, and purple doc boots.

anyway, as i was standing at the crosswalk tonight waiting for the light to turn green and as the wind hit my legs i was suddenly in my elementary school courtyard, in front of a tree. i was once dared to climb that tree. in a skirt, but in the end i couldn’t. i’m horrible at climbing things, mainly because i have a fear of getting stuck at the top, and not being able to get down. i can do fences, but just.

i don’t know why suddenly as the wind hit my legs i was brought back to that place. maybe its time for me to climb a tree, or get over my fear of the fall back down. not sure, but it was a random time and place to think of standing at the crosswalk. i also missed the green light, so i had to wait a few more minutes as the green walking man disappeared into the dark.

there is no cohesion to this post. just had to empty the thoughts somewhere.

ah, random blog hopping has its benefits. was reminded of some comedy gold.

quick, quick

Its not a mirage – I am actually smiling a real smile.

Okay, well the smile may be a little forced but my eyes are happy. For real. Photo taken 13 minutes ago.

I just got back from an impromptu few pints at the pub. One of my friends is leaving to go back home and texted me around 8 to join them. So I did. And I am glad, not only for getting a chance to say goodbye, but I had forgotten what it feels like for others to find you mildly interesting and actually want to partake in a conversation with you. A real conversation. With like adjectives, hand gestures and shit.

However, me being me, just when it was getting interesting, numbers exchanged and such I turned back into a pumpkin and went home. Of course I was asked to do something the only weekend I actually leave Newcastle. Figures.

I happen to let it slip (to some English folk) that I found Scotland more attractive and to hold more of an interesting pub culture. The challenge has now been undertaken to prove me wrong. So huzzah to new friends!

Suppose I should start going out more on Wednesdays.

this far before

I can depress a smiling child with a bucket of candy on Christmas.

Just for the record, I would dump out the candy and hoard it, Grinch-like, into a sack for myself and hit the child with the empty bucket. Welcome to life, kid. It sucks. –Ali

***

Have you ever seen a stranger on the street that was you?

Someone that dressed in the same fashion, or had the same mannerisms, or even used the same vocabulary (heard of course as you passed by). And they looked happy and you wondered what their secret was?

When I am walking and listening to my ipod, sometimes I am listening to the song, but most of the time I am wondering if anyone else is thinking the same thing I am.

Someone asked me out last week. I declined. For many reasons.

I am going to London this weekend to visit Ali. We plan to drink, most heavily.

I realized it was cheaper for a bus ticket down south than a 3 hour phone conversation. I am not however looking forward to the 8 hour bus ride. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a bus that long before.

I kind of lost my cool today in an art meeting. It takes a lot and I mean a lot for me to raise my voice. I was talking a while back with a friend and they were remarking on how they had never seen me yell before. As is the case, I tend to get very quiet and unable to communicate when upset.

Well, not today. The situation warranted a raised voice, fist shake and removal of eye glasses. And although intervention needed to take place, I just wish I didn’t have to be the one with the iron fist. Oi and vey.

At lunch today, a group of us were sitting in a circle, happily chatting and eating away and I was suddenly struck with how much we all looked like the stereotypical image of librarians. Glasses, sweaters, skirts…you know what I mean. How boring. After lectures we went out for a drink and I was pointing this out to my friends and after we had a laugh, we paused. Is that what everyone else thinks when we tell them what we are studying? J asserted that we don’t fall into the mold, but I can’t help wondering.

I think at the very least I’d make a sassy librarian.

this yogurt tastes like pie filling

I don’t normally sleep through the night, I believe waking up every so often is the reason I have weird dreams and also why I can remember them. I keep a notebook on my night table and normally jot down any interesting happenings in there.

This morning I woke up to a piece of paper that read – “Dancing lego and perhaps lemons are actually oranges.”

Right.

I think I need to stop smoking crack, or perhaps upgrade to a higher quality. Then perhaps I will remember more than just fragments. Perhaps.

Any other interesting dreams as of late?

I’m becoming more of a rampant narcissist these days with the whoring out of all these myspace-you-are-here-emo-like photos. I don’t know, its a phase, it too shall pass.

Maybe I should embrace it and take a photo of myself each day and then in a year I can look back and go, you know that shirt used to be black…and then it will make me realize I should be using different laundry detergent.

Last night I found out the reason for my brother’s silence. I was being kept in the dark by the family because they “didn’t want me to worry”.

I don’t think there is an expression I hate more.

wine is bottled poetry

“We need to start transcribing our converstations.”

“I know, I was thinking the same thing so I bought a notebook and have been jotting down quotes. My favourite so far…” -Ali

***

“Is there going to be a European hello when we get there? I’m not okay with the European hello, I need to know in advance if this is going to happen.”

“I’m telling you now that it is going to happen.” -Ali

“No, no I mean you need to tell him that I’m not okay with it.”

 

It seems I have acceded the free limit on my flickr account, so you can view photos from this weekend over here. When I get a chance I shall delete some of my old flickr photos and then transfer them over. I actually didn’t take too many, it rained all day Saturday and we spent a lot of it inside, drinking. I am going back to Edinburgh in March when my friends from home come over to visit, so I shall be back and plan to take more photos of the “closes” and perhaps photos that contain people.

We went to three four fabulous pubs this weekend.

One contained a bookshelf where you had to select the right book in order to get to the toilet. Then the wall opened. It was what I can only describe as a pub for introverts. Filled with weird and interesting treasures. I immediately felt at home as soon as I sat down. Its also where I found some purple stained glass.

Another pub, called The Royal Oak, is quite famous for its live folk music and literally the smallest place I have ever been to. About three times the size of my bedroom. In one corner a band, with wandering musicians joining through the night, singing hilarious songs. The leader is quite strict through, no talking while the music is going on. He was wearing a shirt that said “Fuck Bush”.

Sandy Bell’s, about the same size as the Royal Oak, more live folk music with no singing and it was divine. I have always been a sucker for the violin, and I would have been happy to stay there all night, alas we kept moving.

Hogsmead. We just have dinner there. Generic pub, but once you’ve visited Edinburgh you can totally tell where JK Rowling got names and inspiration from. We also went on a ghost tour, at night, through the streets, ending in Greyfriars Kirk which is a graveyard behind The Elephant House, where Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter book. From inside the coffee house you can see the graveyard and straight to a girls school, I’ve forgotten the name of but it starts with an H.

The Jolly Judge, holds a real fire and very cozy. Gets lots of tourists as the ceiling holds bills from various countries tacked up, travelers leaving their mark. It was nice and quiet when we went in a Sunday evening.

I have mentioned before how I don’t like beer. I have settled happily on cider since moving here (sweet, not dry). However I can only drink a half pint. I tried my best to finish a full pint this weekend (in one sitting that is) but I just couldn’t. I think its a mental block, as though the glass is just too big or something. Perhaps I should bring a sippy cup along.

Okay, I realize I have just talked about pubs and such, but I really think that is where the heart of the city lies. Newcastle is loud and a party town, not so much a pub place, sure there are places you can go for a drink and just relax but they have no character. I found Edinburgh to have character and looking forward to discovering the city more when I return.

As always, I took in all the museums and galleries. Even making it to the writers museum, which is a hidden gem and rekindled my love of Robert Louis Stevenson. The text panels where bang on in this place and I actually read every single one of them. Proving I am a bigger geek than I thought I was. A few of my favourite RLS quotes -

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.

&

The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean; not to affect your reader, but to affect him precisely as you wish.

Well, I think that’s about all. Next time I go I shall be venturing inside the castle and taking a bus tour farther north, so more stories for sure.

I hope that everyone had a good weekend and happy Monday.

crack, in a tiny pink package

I got my haircut today. I never plan haircuts. I’m what you’d call a walk-in.

I woke up feeling like crap, coming to the realization perhaps I do have sad eyes and will probably die alone…actually, I just had a headache. So I played hookie and puttered around my flat, did some reading and then decided to go for a walk. Then I ended up in the hair salon.

End result.

Whenever I am feeling a bit miserable or sad I always dress up a bit, or wear fancy knickers. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. But there are usually a few fleeting seconds when happiness seeps through.

When I returned home from wandering though, happiness came flooding through in the form of a care package, from Barbara. It was fabulous, filled with goodies, cds and my favourite thing I have ever received in the mail – stolen sweet n’ low from Starbucks!

The note reads – “These sweet n’ low liberated from the clutches of Starbucks, Southcentre Mall, Calgary”

I have not laughed so hard in a long time. Thank- you Barb, you rock.

Look for more photos and a list-type post from Edinburgh later on.

keep the yoke

A warm body.

I am in need of one.

When wandering through a gallery I am always thrilled when I can decipher an etching, without the label.

And sometimes when I am staring at works through the glass, when no one is looking, I fix my hair.

My mom does gives “thumbs up” a lot. I have realized I do this as well, especially when I don’t feel like verbally communicating, but am agreeing to a situation.

When really thrilled about something my mom will lick the tip of her thumb and raise it. It sounds off when you describe it, but it is rather endearing and I love the laugh she gives when doing this.

On the top Calton Hill yesterday I saw a mother do this as her child climbed up the stone to the archway.

5800 km away from home, but I’ve never felt closer to it.

Ever have someone say something to you, offhanded that it strikes such a cord in you?

I had a conversation like that today, with my friend Tobias. He was our host for the weekend, I know him through my friend Petra. Lovely fellow, studying Philosophy and Theology and in love with a girl from Montreal. We spent a large part of this afternoon, in a pub talking about life and love, or at least something like it. I find it truly warming to hear another person talk about their partner with affection. He is totally enamored and planing a trip to Montreal in the spring, to surprise his girlfriend. Near the end of our conservation he says:

“You know, when you think no one is looking you have sad eyes.” -Tobias
(pause) “Sad eyes?” -Me
“Sad, contemplative eyes. Makes me wonder what is going on in there.”
“Nothing. I’m just mentally telling the hamster to get back on the wheel.”
“Ah, is that all?”
“Tis all.”
“You, my friend (pause – tipping his pint glass towards me) are a liar.”
“Yeah.”

Turns out the England I had thought about in my mind, was actually what I discovered Scotland to be.

And it kind of kicks ass.

ups and downs, lefts and rights

sometimes when i am drinking tea
without milk
i like to look in the mug
and believe for a second
its a wishing well
and that if i stare long enough at the lemon
swirling in the water
someone might hear my wish

tonight
i wish for resolve
and good health for a dear friend
yes, good health

i wish the same for others
every other day
very much so
and for myself
but if only one wish be granted
tonight
i shall wish for hers.

hope

the wind is still crazy bad and starting to uproot the cemented down.

whenever i am walking in high wind i think of the wizard of oz. do you think everyone has a scarecrow-type person in their life?

i was thinking about this as i was watching labyrinth on the weekend, i had forgotten about the parallels to the wizard of oz, and noticed how on the main characters journey she meets creatures that hold similarities to the scarecrow, tin man and the lion.

the lion.

once, i think i was in grade eleven or twelve, i was part of a class that tutored younger students in english. (i know, i was correcting other peoples grammar. scary). anyway, we had to fill out the standard first day questionnaire, but one of the questions was what character from film/and or literature do you identify with the most?

tough question. my answer to this question varies between three, but on this day i said – the cowardly lion. sometimes it takes liquid courage for me to say what i mean. and feel. plus, i have always preferred to be a presence and not a major character.

what character from film/ and or literature do you identify with the most?

i’ve been rocking a 2 day migraine and i hope it passes when i wake up in the morning. i passed up going out tonight so i could catch up on my sleep. once you have that first cuppa and feel the warmth of a nap, you’re pretty much gone. i have also been thinking about someone today, and its been making my feel woebegone.

well, i best pack. fuck and bugger i forgot to buy batteries for my camera. anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend. check back late sunday for some pictures from edinburgh.

song of the minute: california girls – the magnetic fields

kind regards

The wind is so unbelievably strong (i.e loud) right now. I’m looking out the window and the trees lining my street are defintely at 45 degrees. Yikes.

If you live a transient existence like I keep putting myself in, people drift in and out of your life quite regularly. However, if you know me at all, you know that once that point has been passed – the point where little, random insignificant details one normally would forget are remembered – you know that we’re going to be friends for much longer than the time geography has dictated.

Details change, of course, it depends on the person and how things become unraveled. But that unraveling – that unraveling. The rush of letting the details flow out, what makes one tick is an interesting process, and one that changes with each person.

I love my friends, they are fascinating creatures and are always there to pick me up when I need an extra shoulder, or provide much need comic relief when life gets sticky. I think I am most sad now because I have a friend leaving Newcastle that was in many ways filling in for my friends back home. Not to devalue anything on either side, just that it made the distance seem less harsh. Its hard sometimes having the people you love so spread out.

But its comforting to know the new details, and faces are around the corner. And that the old ones won’t be forgotten, even through space and time.

One of my random details (just in case the list of 100 wasn’t enough)?

Egg cups.

There’s a story of course to go along with that, but that’s a story for another night.

“Do you have the saying ‘on cloud seven’ in English?”
“No, we say ‘on cloud nine’.”
“Interesting, in German we also have this saying about the seven layers of sky.”
“In English there’s a man in the moon.”
“Weird.”